Monday, August 19, 2013

Vanished into thin air

"Do you think I'm an adulterer?" I asked Ronald while puffing my cigarette.

Ronald has been my ka-barkada since high school. He's... well, not so tall but definitely taller than me with semical hair. He's the loudest among the group and by loud means the "ma-PR" in our group. He's witty, funny and very outspoken type of gay guy. He's currently working in a TV station and because of his dedication, one can say that he's truly and beyond any doubt a class act. What I like about Ronald is that he speaks openly and truthfully about something, especially difficult matters-- call spade a spade. 

The night was calm and gloomy. The sky was grey and have no stars. It's one of those nights where all you can see is black clouds and a vast grey plain field space. We're at the balcony where you can smell the fresh air and feel the cold breeze. The street was dark and empty. You can only see spots of yellow lights coming from the lamp-posts. We were four that night to drink some liquor and catch up with each other. We do this in our group every weekend. Sometimes we just hang out with each other's houses. Other times we go to a karaoke bar and sing our hearts out or just chill in a coffee shop. What's weird about us is that we do this in a break of day. Usually around 2AM. We're four at that time but originally we're eight.

"You think so?" Ronald answered 

"I guess? He's taken. I like him and he said he likes me too but he's in a relationship. I asked him if he would tell his boyfriend that he met someone from his blog. At first he wants to keep it a secret but I said not to" I answered with full honesty.

"Why? Didn't you think it would give his boyfriend a hint?" Ronald said forthrightly

"I did. That's why I insisted that he needs to tell it to his boyfriend so his partner wouldn't detest him knowing me" I exclaimed

"Did you ask how and what did he tell his boyfriend about you?" Ronald continuously interrogates me. "He might say something negative about you. Something demeaning or degrading."

"Yes" I answered then drink a half glass of alcohol.

"How?" Ronald asked

"He said there's someone who got a crush on him. Someone who reads his blog. A fan to make it precise." I went to the small table made of white marbles and make another pitcher of GSM blue with strawberry juice. 

"Well.. that's quite conceited and bragging don't you think?"

"I did. And I told him about it....."  

I interrupted Ronald Before he could ask why.

"He said it was just a lame excuse so his boyfriend can brush it off and never pay attention to it. He did it on purpose" I finished.

"Hhhmm.. it seems like he's serious about you the fact that he's protecting you. But..." 

"Will that suffice?" I asked

"Suffice what?" Ronald asked back

"That he's serious about me coz' he's protecting me." I explained

I gave him a half glass of alcohol. He grabbed and drink it straight.

"No. That's why there's a but" Ronald clarified

"There's always a but" I said tapping my cigarette removing the ashes while staring at the dark and empty streets.

Ronald nodded and stared at the room inside where R and Kelvin were sleeping. 

"But.. have you realized until when he'll do that?" Ronald said 

"I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think that I'm an adulterer or a cheater in a sense that I'm cheating with myself. I don't want to know until when we will do this or how we will do this. I don't want to think... think when he's with his boyfriend and what they might be doing. All I know is..." I grabbed the glass and drink some more

"All I know is... I like him. He's really interesting. He's definitely a catch. He could be sweet and romantic. What's weird was, we just got to know each other but it seems like I've been waiting for him all this time." Grabbed another glass and drink it straight 

"Have you ever felt this? Have you ever felt that you already know he's the one even though you haven't seen him in person? That bond and special connection between the two of you? " Grabbed another glass of gin. "It's like the universe conspires and connives. That even chance meetings are a result of fate --like what Paolo Coelho said. Its Maktub. That even in the smallest events there's no such thing as coincidence. That what we feel for each other is the result of the universe conspiring?"  I justified

"But remember, there's still a chance that he would choose his boyfriend over you. Pinasok mo yan dapat marunong ka din lumabas. Friend, payo lang. Huwag mo ibigay lahat. Magtira ka even though you think he's the one, he's in a relationship and he still loves his boyfriend. I'm happy that I can hear those romantic words to you again after your last heartbreak. It feels like you're alive again. But I'm also afraid that what made you feel that love again can also make you feel...." Ronald stares at me trying to figure out what I might feel when he finishes his statement. He knows I'm sensitive when it comes to this. 

I gave him a smile and then nod.

"Its okay." I said to him

He then grab the glass of alcohol and drink it, then puff his cigarette and blew it upwards.

"I'm also afraid that what made you feel that love again can also destroy you once again"

We were silent for a moment. 

I looked at him secretly. I can see in his face that he's trying to gauge my emotions. I can tell he's worried about me.On the other hand  I assured him I'm okay but trying to hide my fear.

I picked up the ash tray and unlit my cigarette. 

The smoke coming from my cigarette was vanished into thin air


  1. Do not wade into troubled waters. If ever na may balak kang mag-start ng relationship, begin it with a clean slate; yung walang nasasaktan at apektadong tao. Mahirap na di ba, malaki ang chance na pwede nya din gawin sayo someday ang pwede nyang magawa sa boyfriend nya ngayon. But I don't know him really, so I'm speaking in general.

    Tama naman si Paulo Cohelo. Pero keep in mind na kapag in love ka, your logic and reasoning might fall below instinct and impulse, which is often not a good thing.

    I hope you'll get past this unscathed, Nomad. :3

    1. If only Sepsep. If only you know the truth... if Only Sepsep kingina you really don't get the hints I've scattered do you? It's everywhere.

      Sorry sa mura nadala lang. Hehe

    2. Hm? Teka, nagtataray ka na naman. :P

    3. Like I said, nadala lang ako. Never kita tatarayan noh.

      Kasi naman I plotted a lot of clues but seems you're not getting it.

    4. Ano ba ito, Blue's Clues? *haha!* Ang linaw kaya ng storya mo. Sorry, engots lang. :P

  2. I have to agree with your friend. Give yourself a little love as well. Never give yourself whole. Trust me. Because the one who loves the least is the one who controls the relationship.

    1. I know right? Yan ang philosophy ko matagal na. Tapos nabasa ko pa yang line na yan somewhere in blogger. Haha. :)

    2. Does it matter who controls the relationship? Who love the least and the most? Kung magsusukatan kayo ng pagmamahal kahit kelan hindi kayo magpapantay

    3. Haha, I need to respond to your reply, Nomad. Sorry.

      In a perfect and ideal world yes. Love should be equal. But the problem is, love is theoretically a non-quantifiable commodity. But it can be "somehow measured" though indefinitely. We cannot say that both subjects in the relationship have loved equally because there is no unit of measurement for love. We can only say who loved the least and who loved the most by considering the amount of investments one has made into the relationship. And since these investments from each subjects cannot be compared with each other with minimal percentage of error, saying that love given should be equal is virtually theoretical. We can only say to ourselves that you loved the least if we are the ones under the situation because we know the effort we exerted in making the relationship work. We know the feelings we ourselves have invested. And its not out of comparison whether or not the partner has exerted the same but rather a comparison whether we have reached a point of consideration that we have given it all. :)

      But still, its a complicated subject since I believe, in my own opinion and perspective, that love is neither quantifiable or non-quantifiable due to the shortcomings it possess in both areas.

      In the endpoint, yes as you have read in my explanation, whether or not love can be measured (since I said that there is a point that can be reached which means it can be measured, but there is no unit of measurement), it certainly is non-comparable. Because love given is subjective and never objective. And the point that I have mentioned is subjective as well. It's difficult, right? But let's just comfort ourselves with the fact that if we really are dedicated to that person, we never lacked in making that person happy. :)

    4. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities

    5. Which means that a certain infinity is not infinite but rather finite?

  3. You should read the blogs of those who were in a relationship with someone who's already taken. Its difficult and oftentimes a mistake. Sometimes when we feel kilig we think that the person is the one. Pero Yung kilig Sa umpisa lang. Pagkatapos ng kilig Thats when everything becomes hard. Sa Tingin mo, kakayanin mo?

    I dont want to start with the topic of loving a blogger. It is a whole post in itself.

    But i wish you good luck. :)

    1. Nakarelate ako sa sinabi mo. The kilig is usually at the start. Pero napapakilig pa rin niya ako though hindi na tulad ng dati.

      Anyway, my take on that is that love is also a responsibility. We're not just after the feelings. When we fall in love, we enter in a responsibility. That's how I look at things when I don't feel the kilig anymore.

    2. Haaay Gillboard, I hope I know what I'm doing

  4. ang masasabi ko lang ay chill.

    mahirap ang sitwasyon.
    well ako naisip ko na rin dati kung kaya ko bang magmahal nang may sabit...
    oo. siguro. baka...

    pero ewan ko nbsb kasi ako at may nagpayo sa akin na sa tagal ko nang naghihintay dapat i will not settle for anything less at i deserve better.

    hmm you deserve better. hehe :)

    pero hayaan mo lang ang sarili mong magmahal. masarap yan. :p
    ang labo ng advice ko no. haha

    1. I actually think he's just taking me for granted.