Dirty Laundry: Root of all cause

I will never forget the first time we met. It was in Gorietta 4 outside Starbucks sa veranda smoking area. It was November 30, 2013 around 9pm. Nakadungaw ako sa may veranda naninigarilyo habang nag iintay sayo. Bigla kang nagtxt ng "shet muka akong trekker na dance instructor.. Baduy!" Then you asked something about Sodexo GC kasi you want to use it para sa dinner natin.You want to use it before it expires. Natawa ako kasi sabi ko sa sarili ko first date tapos GC? But I didn't mind at all. Mas ramdam ko kasi yung kaba sa dibdib ko. Then maya maya nagtxt ka uli "Can't find you. What's the color of your shirt?" Nagreply ako "Polo jeans with sling bag". Naalala ko bumili pa ako ng bagong damit para sa araw na to. Gusto ko kasing magpa impress sayo. Siyempre kailangan dapat gwapo. Pinaghandaan ko talaga ang araw na yon. Bigla kang tumawag sa phone ko "Dito na ko san ka?" Lumingon ako sa paligid para hanapin ka, pagtingin ko sa parteng madilim napansin kong may papalapit sakin. Hindi ko pa nakikita ang mukha mo, pero alam kong ikaw na yon - ramdam kong ikaw yun. Humakbang ka sa may parteng may liwanag na nanggagaling sa loob ng Starbucks. Nasilayan ko ang kalahati ng muka mo na nililiwanagan ng ilaw. "Nakita na kita" ang banggit ko sayo sa phone sabay lapit sayo. Ngumiti ako, ngumiti ka. Yung ngiti mo medyo alanganin siguro dahil nahihiya ka or nag aalangan ka. Natatandaan ko kasi yung sinabi mo sa akin sa text bago tayo magkita. Sabi mo baka masyado ako mag expect sayo physically. Kaya to ease you and make you comfortable, ang bulong ko "You are more than what I expected". Napangiti ka sa sinabi ko. Natuwa ako kasi alam kong kahit papaano, nabawasan ang kaba mo - and then you smiled. Pero totoo naman yun eh. You really are more than what I expected. Sa totoo lang, kinilig ako nung una kitang makita. Ang gwapo mo kasi eh.

Hinding hindi ko rin makakalimutan ang unang halik mo sakin. Nasa loob tayo ng elevator noon sa may Greenbelt sa parking area. Naliligaw kasi tayo noon. Sasamahan mo ko ibalik yung earphones kong sira sa Odyssey Greenbelt 1. Sa mga oras na iyon, hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili kong itanong sayo kung anu ang status natin o kung gusto mo ba ako, kaya tinanong kita ng "Tayo na ba?". Hindi ka sumagot at ngumiti lang. Maya maya pa'y dahan dahan ka ng lumapit sakin. Alam ko kung anu ang gagawin mo kaya ang sabi ko "May CCTV oh, makikita tayo" pero di mo ko pinansin at tuluyan ng hinalikan ang mga labi ko. Bagong bago sa akin ang pakiramdam. Iba sa mga halik na natikman ko. Mainit. Matamis at totoo. Madiin at mabagal. Hindi mabilis. Hindi porn-ish. Marahan na para bang nilalasap mo ang bawat segundo ng paglalapit ng ating mga labi. "I love you" ang sabi mo matapos mo kong halikan. Halos lumundag ang puso ko sa tuwa. Sabay ng pagbukas ng pinto ng elevator ay ang paglaki ng aking mga ngiti na abot hanggang tenga. Ang puso ko ay nag uumapaw sa kasiyahan, ni hindi nga ako makapag salita noon at tanging ngiti lamang ang naibalik ko sayo. Paglabas natin may binulong ka sa akin. "Tinigasan ako dun ah" kaya naman napatawa ako. "Ako din eh" ang sagot ko sayo. 

We watched movie, we held hands inside the cinema then I invited you to my friend's birthday party in Distillery BGC The Fort. I know I told you na hindi muna kita papakilala sa mga friends ko but because of sincerity and truthfulness I felt that night, I decided to tag you along. Then everything went well. It was surreal yet awesome night. It was simple and subtle. it was subdued. Some of the best things happen in the most quiet-iv ways. We didn't have the big ole fireworks, grand parade and Slow-motion-hair flipping-theatrical moments but it was magical and romantic in its own ways. When we met, we just knew. We knew we were meant for each other. 

The day after that night, it was Sunday afternoon nag punta ka ng Mega Mall dahil makikipag kita ka sa mga kaibigan mo. You said they were eager and cannot wait to meet me. I never expected that you would tell them about us immediately. Ngunit isang bagay ang nakapag bigay sa akin ng desisyon para mahalin ka ng lubos and commit myself to a long term relationship. You sent me a text message sabi mo "I can't stop thinking about last night. Feeling ko 10 years na tayong magkakilala. Thanks for making it easy for me. I love you, baby, bie, Nomad, Taba ko. MWAH! " at that moment I decided to give all and be serious of what we have. I told myself that i would take care of this relationship and will not do anything stupid to ramshackle it. I prepared myself for everything that could happen. I mused that you might get tired... or bored..... or cheat and thought that you might do the same things so I prepared myself for uncertainties and let my heart dictate. But like what I had predicted, it happened. You cheated. I know that this would happen [I just never thought that it would happen this early] that's why I have been so resilient, patient, understanding and forgivable for all your mistakes. My heart is always bigger than my mind. I was ready for your flaws, mistakes and sins. I had applied what Patty said before it has been adopted to a movie. Love has room for mistakes and I have given that to you so many times and I will never stop giving you that allowance for mistakes so I stayed in this relationship.

Looking back at our exchanged SMS made me realize that everything was my fault, that I made you a cheater. I destroyed you. At nagsisisi ako ng buong puso dahil sa mga kasalanan ko sayo. You were sweet and loving boyfriend and yet I made horrible things to you. I was verbally abusive to you. I tried to change who you are, I changed the way you dress, your demeanor and the way you speak. I even insisted to change your hairstyle to something you didn't like. "I am not your ideal boyfriend nor will ever be. You are turning me into the person that I am not." you said. At that time, I was pretty convinced and infallible that I was not doing anything wrong [not until now]. I've been a nasty douchebag.  I was so jealous of everybody. I was immature and puerile. I was jejune. I was not aware of my wrong doings. I was like being possessed by someone. Someone who's needy, clingy, possessive, obsessive and pathetic. Maybe because when you waited  too long for love to arrive, you don't let it drift away from your life too easily thus makes you mad as a hatter. Maybe because it took me 3 years to find this love again and it fears me to let go of a single chance that it may never come again.

I was wrong the first time. I expected a lot. I judged too heavily. I've been selfish And I regret having done all that. I am really really sorry. I am sorry that because of those nasty things I did to you, you became someone else. You may not see the effects in you but in a very subtle way it changed you. Subconsciously it affected your personality and character. This is all my fault and I am really sorry.  I just realized that after what I did, you've changed. You became cold, you're no longer sweet and caring. Gradually, you became someone I never knew. You've been a different person. You started keeping secrets from me. You no longer have enthusiasm, fervor, penchant and energy to see me. You're no longer avid and ardent to our relationship until I realize that we only see each other twice a month. And I did that to you. I destroyed your passion for love and I will never forgive myself for doing such things to you. I took advantage of you- even the sex. I was completely unaware of my wrong doings. I thought I was being mature, thorough, careful and responsible about our relationship but clearly I was not. 

I already know what to do. I already know how to fix this.I learned my lesson. Please give me a chance to love you again. Give our relationship a second chance. Give me another chance to love you the way that I should have loved you. I am begging you to please give me another chance to prove myself. I know I am not worthy for this relationship but I am more than willing to change. I will do everything to prove to you that I've changed. I will be a better boyfriend. Please.....

"Do we still have a second chance? Naniniwala ka rin ba na our love story deserves a better ending?"

- Ginny; Starting over again.