Phase 3: Desperation

Found this while listening to Someday by Nina in Youtube and it dramatically describes how I feel right now. Every word suits how I see things and how I want things to be.

For now, this is the story of my life





Bie,

I need to talk with you again, why did you go away?
All our time together just feels like yesterday
I never thought I'd see a single day without you
The things we take for granted, we can sometimes lose

And if I promise not to feel this pain
Will I see you again?
Will I see you again?

'Cos time will pass me by, maybe I'll never learn to smile
But I know I'll make it through if you wait for me
And all the tears I cry, no matter how I try
They'll never bring you home to me
Won't you wait for me in heaven?

Do you remember how it was when we never seemed to care?
The days went by so quickly 'cos I thought you'd always be there
And it's hard to let you go, though I know that I must try
I feel like I've been cheated 'cos we never said goodbye

And if I promise not to feel this pain
Will I see you again?
Will I see you again?

'Cos time will pass me by, maybe I'll never learn to smile
But I know I'll make it through if you wait for me
And all the tears I cry, no matter how I try
They'll never bring you home to me
Won't you wait for me in heaven?

'Cos I miss you so
And I need to know
Will you wait for me?

'Cos time will pass me by, maybe I'll never learn to smile
But I know I'll make it through if you wait for me
And all the tears I cry, no matter how I try
They'll never bring you home to me
Won't you wait for me in heaven?

Your Baby,

Nomad

Someday it's gonna make sense

He was supposed to meet me last Saturday but he cancelled it.

When I asked why, this is what he said to me

This what keeps me going.

I know and I believe deep in my heart that someday we will be together again.

How ridiculous, pathetic and desperate I may sound, but that's what I've been feeling.

I see it in my dreams... I know we will be together.



***
Ok! I sound a little hopeful and stupid but uhm, I dunno. Baka ito lang siguro ang paraan ko para maka cope sa sitwasyon. I know lilipas din ito maging kami man uli o hindi ang importante sa ngayon ay nakaka cope up ako.


I'll be okay and when that happens I hope that I still believe in love and I would still be able to love someone.

When your advice is so wrong

My co-worker and I had a conversation about me and my boyfriend's break up last week.

I sounded a bit bitter but I have a point, I always have a point if not, I wouldn't be posting this.

We were talking about the movie "About time" and "Starting over again" when suddenly I brought it up to a friend for the first time.

It was refreshing yet painful.

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Dirty Laundry: Root of all cause

I will never forget the first time we met. It was in Gorietta 4 outside Starbucks sa veranda smoking area. It was November 30, 2013 around 9pm. Nakadungaw ako sa may veranda naninigarilyo habang nag iintay sayo. Bigla kang nagtxt ng "shet muka akong trekker na dance instructor.. Baduy!" Then you asked something about Sodexo GC kasi you want to use it para sa dinner natin.You want to use it before it expires. Natawa ako kasi sabi ko sa sarili ko first date tapos GC? But I didn't mind at all. Mas ramdam ko kasi yung kaba sa dibdib ko. Then maya maya nagtxt ka uli "Can't find you. What's the color of your shirt?" Nagreply ako "Polo jeans with sling bag". Naalala ko bumili pa ako ng bagong damit para sa araw na to. Gusto ko kasing magpa impress sayo. Siyempre kailangan dapat gwapo. Pinaghandaan ko talaga ang araw na yon. Bigla kang tumawag sa phone ko "Dito na ko san ka?" Lumingon ako sa paligid para hanapin ka, pagtingin ko sa parteng madilim napansin kong may papalapit sakin. Hindi ko pa nakikita ang mukha mo, pero alam kong ikaw na yon - ramdam kong ikaw yun. Humakbang ka sa may parteng may liwanag na nanggagaling sa loob ng Starbucks. Nasilayan ko ang kalahati ng muka mo na nililiwanagan ng ilaw. "Nakita na kita" ang banggit ko sayo sa phone sabay lapit sayo. Ngumiti ako, ngumiti ka. Yung ngiti mo medyo alanganin siguro dahil nahihiya ka or nag aalangan ka. Natatandaan ko kasi yung sinabi mo sa akin sa text bago tayo magkita. Sabi mo baka masyado ako mag expect sayo physically. Kaya to ease you and make you comfortable, ang bulong ko "You are more than what I expected". Napangiti ka sa sinabi ko. Natuwa ako kasi alam kong kahit papaano, nabawasan ang kaba mo - and then you smiled. Pero totoo naman yun eh. You really are more than what I expected. Sa totoo lang, kinilig ako nung una kitang makita. Ang gwapo mo kasi eh.

Hinding hindi ko rin makakalimutan ang unang halik mo sakin. Nasa loob tayo ng elevator noon sa may Greenbelt sa parking area. Naliligaw kasi tayo noon. Sasamahan mo ko ibalik yung earphones kong sira sa Odyssey Greenbelt 1. Sa mga oras na iyon, hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili kong itanong sayo kung anu ang status natin o kung gusto mo ba ako, kaya tinanong kita ng "Tayo na ba?". Hindi ka sumagot at ngumiti lang. Maya maya pa'y dahan dahan ka ng lumapit sakin. Alam ko kung anu ang gagawin mo kaya ang sabi ko "May CCTV oh, makikita tayo" pero di mo ko pinansin at tuluyan ng hinalikan ang mga labi ko. Bagong bago sa akin ang pakiramdam. Iba sa mga halik na natikman ko. Mainit. Matamis at totoo. Madiin at mabagal. Hindi mabilis. Hindi porn-ish. Marahan na para bang nilalasap mo ang bawat segundo ng paglalapit ng ating mga labi. "I love you" ang sabi mo matapos mo kong halikan. Halos lumundag ang puso ko sa tuwa. Sabay ng pagbukas ng pinto ng elevator ay ang paglaki ng aking mga ngiti na abot hanggang tenga. Ang puso ko ay nag uumapaw sa kasiyahan, ni hindi nga ako makapag salita noon at tanging ngiti lamang ang naibalik ko sayo. Paglabas natin may binulong ka sa akin. "Tinigasan ako dun ah" kaya naman napatawa ako. "Ako din eh" ang sagot ko sayo. 

We watched movie, we held hands inside the cinema then I invited you to my friend's birthday party in Distillery BGC The Fort. I know I told you na hindi muna kita papakilala sa mga friends ko but because of sincerity and truthfulness I felt that night, I decided to tag you along. Then everything went well. It was surreal yet awesome night. It was simple and subtle. it was subdued. Some of the best things happen in the most quiet-iv ways. We didn't have the big ole fireworks, grand parade and Slow-motion-hair flipping-theatrical moments but it was magical and romantic in its own ways. When we met, we just knew. We knew we were meant for each other. 

The day after that night, it was Sunday afternoon nag punta ka ng Mega Mall dahil makikipag kita ka sa mga kaibigan mo. You said they were eager and cannot wait to meet me. I never expected that you would tell them about us immediately. Ngunit isang bagay ang nakapag bigay sa akin ng desisyon para mahalin ka ng lubos and commit myself to a long term relationship. You sent me a text message sabi mo "I can't stop thinking about last night. Feeling ko 10 years na tayong magkakilala. Thanks for making it easy for me. I love you, baby, bie, Nomad, Taba ko. MWAH! " at that moment I decided to give all and be serious of what we have. I told myself that i would take care of this relationship and will not do anything stupid to ramshackle it. I prepared myself for everything that could happen. I mused that you might get tired... or bored..... or cheat and thought that you might do the same things so I prepared myself for uncertainties and let my heart dictate. But like what I had predicted, it happened. You cheated. I know that this would happen [I just never thought that it would happen this early] that's why I have been so resilient, patient, understanding and forgivable for all your mistakes. My heart is always bigger than my mind. I was ready for your flaws, mistakes and sins. I had applied what Patty said before it has been adopted to a movie. Love has room for mistakes and I have given that to you so many times and I will never stop giving you that allowance for mistakes so I stayed in this relationship.

Looking back at our exchanged SMS made me realize that everything was my fault, that I made you a cheater. I destroyed you. At nagsisisi ako ng buong puso dahil sa mga kasalanan ko sayo. You were sweet and loving boyfriend and yet I made horrible things to you. I was verbally abusive to you. I tried to change who you are, I changed the way you dress, your demeanor and the way you speak. I even insisted to change your hairstyle to something you didn't like. "I am not your ideal boyfriend nor will ever be. You are turning me into the person that I am not." you said. At that time, I was pretty convinced and infallible that I was not doing anything wrong [not until now]. I've been a nasty douchebag.  I was so jealous of everybody. I was immature and puerile. I was jejune. I was not aware of my wrong doings. I was like being possessed by someone. Someone who's needy, clingy, possessive, obsessive and pathetic. Maybe because when you waited  too long for love to arrive, you don't let it drift away from your life too easily thus makes you mad as a hatter. Maybe because it took me 3 years to find this love again and it fears me to let go of a single chance that it may never come again.

I was wrong the first time. I expected a lot. I judged too heavily. I've been selfish And I regret having done all that. I am really really sorry. I am sorry that because of those nasty things I did to you, you became someone else. You may not see the effects in you but in a very subtle way it changed you. Subconsciously it affected your personality and character. This is all my fault and I am really sorry.  I just realized that after what I did, you've changed. You became cold, you're no longer sweet and caring. Gradually, you became someone I never knew. You've been a different person. You started keeping secrets from me. You no longer have enthusiasm, fervor, penchant and energy to see me. You're no longer avid and ardent to our relationship until I realize that we only see each other twice a month. And I did that to you. I destroyed your passion for love and I will never forgive myself for doing such things to you. I took advantage of you- even the sex. I was completely unaware of my wrong doings. I thought I was being mature, thorough, careful and responsible about our relationship but clearly I was not. 

I already know what to do. I already know how to fix this.I learned my lesson. Please give me a chance to love you again. Give our relationship a second chance. Give me another chance to love you the way that I should have loved you. I am begging you to please give me another chance to prove myself. I know I am not worthy for this relationship but I am more than willing to change. I will do everything to prove to you that I've changed. I will be a better boyfriend. Please.....

"Do we still have a second chance? Naniniwala ka rin ba na our love story deserves a better ending?"

- Ginny; Starting over again.

First cut is the deepest

        First time he met my co-workers

love is really unfair!

Kung sino pa yung mga taong tapat at tunay na magmahal sila pa yung niloloko at iniiwan. At kung sino pa yung nanloko siya pa yung makikipag break. Pagkatapos ano? Iiwanan niya yung naging tapat, na miserable at wasak na wasak habang siya naman masyang masaya dahil malaya na?! Malayang malaya na naman makipaglaro sa ibang lalake! Tama nga ang sabi ng kanta. "It don't break even". Isipin niyo ah, kung sino pa yung niloko siya pa yung hirap mag move on! Siya pa yung mukhang tanga at baliw na kala mo may Alzheimer's disease.

                      First Check in

Yes! Alzheimer's disease! Bakit? Kasi may mga panahong lucid ka... at meron din namang mga panahon, mas madalas actually na hindi ka lucid. Yung iyak ka ng iyak, minsan naman nakatulala lang minsan tingin ng tingin sa phone nag aantay ng message galing sa kanya. Madalas lucid ka pagkaharap mo ang ibang tao. Pretending to be na okay ka. Siyempre ayaw mo naman ma-perceive ng ibang tao as "weak" di ba. Actually, dahil nga ayaw mong maging weak sa mata ng ibang tao at maging failure.. hindi pa rin alam ng mga kaibigan mo at mga malalapit sayo na nag break na kayo. Hindi mo kayang sabihin sa kanila dahil ayaw mong isipin nila na nag fail ka na naman sa relationship mo. Eh paano, alam nilang lahat na after 3 years saka ka nag boyfriend kaya nung nalaman nila na may lovelife at boyfriend ka na, they are genuinely happy for you. Even your relatives is happy for you. Eh kasalanan ko rin naman eh, pinakilala ko siya agad sa kanila kaya ayan kailangan kong itago "muna" sa kanila na iniwan na niya ako. 

                            First sleep over

Ayoko na rin naman kasing mag explain pa. Malamang sa malamang pag sinabi ko sa kanila sangkatutak na tanong ang ibabato nila sa akin. Maghahanap ng clues at aalamin kung sino ang may kasalanan. 

Eh sino nga ba? At bakit nga ba kami naghiwalay? 

Hindi ko alam.... or maybe hindi ko maintindihan.

O baka siguro hindi ko lang tanggap.... or hindi ko pa tanggap. Denial kung baga.

"Hindi ko na kayang lokohin ka" 

Yan ang sabi niya sa akin. 

"Paulit ulit na lang kasi tayo. Mahuhuli mo ako, magagalit ka tas magbabati tayo, babalik uli sa dati na parang walang nangyari tapos after ilang weeks, mahuhuli mo uli ako, patatawarin mo na naman ako. Paikot ikot na lang tayo Nomad eh. I don't want to hurt you again"

"Naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit. Bata ka pa and you really have the tendency to explore. Hindi naman ako nagagalit di ba? Ok lang naman sakin yung nakikipag usap ka sa Grindr or sa Growlr or WeChat. Hindi naman issue sa akin yun. Ayoko lang nung makikipag kita ka pa yung mag mo-movie pa kayo. Pero.... Kaya ko pa naman eh. Bakit hindi mo na lang hinayaan na ako ang sumuko, ako ang mapagod. Bakit hindi mo na lang hinayaan na ako na mismo ang mapagod at makipag break sayo?"

"Ano? Papayag kang may kabit ako?"

"Kala mo ba hindi ko napag isipan yang mga ganyan bagay? Naisip ko na yan noon pa at gaya ng sinabi ko sayo nasa point na ako na wala akong pakielam basta sakin ka umuuwi. Na ako ang legal."

"No! I can't. Not with you"

iyak iyak iyak.... hagulgol.....

Ang pinakamahirap sa break up eh yung the day after niyo mag break. Yung pagising mo sa umaga alam mong hindi mo na siya boyfriend. Na wala ka ng karapatan sa kanya. You can no longer say I love you or I miss you. I can no longer hug or kiss him. I can no longer build memories and plan my future with him or worse, hindi mo na uli siya makikita.

Taken pagkagising namin on his first night sa bahay

Sa katunayan, pagkagising ko... pagdilat ng mata ko nakita ko yung phone tas bigla ko siya naalala, after ilang segundo - I break out in tears pero pigil. Pinipigilan mo umiyak dahil ayaw mo ng drama. Bumalik sa akin lahat ng mga pinag daanan namin. Sa kwarto ko sa kama sa right ko kung saan lagi siyang naka puwesto kapag sa amin siya natutulog. Yung yakap niya, yung magkayakap kaming dalawa habang natutulog. Yung cluttered na mesa ko kung saan din niya nilalapag ang gamit niya pag nasa amin siya. Yung vase kung saan ko inilagay yung flower na bigay niya noong monthsary namin. Yung pamangkin ko na laging siyang hinahanap para makipaglaro sa kanya tuwing weekends. Lahat ng yan pag nakita ko, walang duda iiyak ako pero gaya ng sinabi ko, pipigilan mo na naman ang pagtulo ng luha mo.

                             Valentine's day

Ganun pala yun noh? It always feels like it's the first time. Na feeling mo first time mong dumaan sa break up. Siguro wala naman talagang masasanay sa ganito. I am trying to have a positive attitude about this break up pero I just damn can't do it. Ang hirap talaga eh. maya't maya iiyak ka kung ayaw mo naman umiyak kakain ka para I'll feel better tapos pag naalala mo na naman siya, mga memories niyo and mga future plans niyo... maiiyak ka naman. Mukhang baliw.

My last memory of him was very beautiful and true. Nakahiga ako non' sa kama habang siya nag aayos dahil pauwi na siya. He kissed me sa cheeks para magpaalam. Matagal ang pagkakahalik niya sa akin and it sends a different impression on me. I felt that it was different but I just ignored it. Ni hindi ko nga siya ni-kiss back or hug man lang. Hindi ko rin siya nahatid noon sa labas gaya ng palagi kong ginagawa. Hindi kasi talaga ako makakilos dahil sa hangover. konting galaw lang ng ulo ko nahihilo na ako at masusuka. But his kiss was no ordinary. At that time I felt that it was genuine and sincere. Ngayon, nagsisisi ako na hindi ko man lang siya nahalikan or nayakap. At sa tuwing maalala ko yun, nasasaktan ako.

                    First kiss sa cheeks

Kung pwede lang ako mag time off para umiyak ng malakas. Yung malakas na malakas. Yung wala kang pakielam sa makakarinig. Yung ngangawa ka and let all the pain get out of your system.

Alam ko naman na malalampasan ko din to at makakapag move on... I'm just.......

I'm just miserable and feel horribly awful.

Nobody knows about this except Nomad and his blog. Do you know how effin hard is that? Pretending to be ok and happy to other people?

            Our first date

* * * * *

First cut is the deepest.... and so this past few weeks.


I don't know how to start all over again

or if I can start again