Joy and I were the closest colleagues in the office. We were like partners in crime. We do everything together. We laugh at everything. She's like my office best friend. Kahit saan ako magpunta (during weekdays and office hours) siya ang kasama ko. Sabi nga ng supervisor ko para daw kaming mag "jowa". Eeew! (Kidding) Minsan pa nga kakadating ko lang ng office (We don't have the same shift. Her shift was one hour earlier than mine.) tapos aayain niya ako for a smoke, go pa din ako kahit bawal yun. Minsan ganun din siya sakin. Kahit kaka-15 mintue break lang niya but when I asked her to go with me lagi naman siyang ready. That's how we break rules. That's how my life goes inside the office. I'm Huckleberry Finn and She's Tom Sawyer. We were inseparable.
But something happened. She joked about something that was really important and significant to me. Something that I cannot brush aside. Hurtful words were said. Both sides were standing tall. Our egos are gushing up reaching the mountain tops. Our paths have separated. She no longer exists in my society. And I on the other end -- was dead.
Years had passed and we still don't talk to each other. Kahit na magka-trabaho kami we still managed to remain professional but still.... No words were given to each other. Others would say "Its been a year already, can't you guys move on and forget everything?" I remained silent.
These past few months, things have changed. We started talking to each other again but not like the way we used to. Not like the way we were. Plain. Simple. No joking. No teasing just ---- bland.
"Tara! yosi tayo"
Everyday Joy invites me to smoke with her. I know what she's trying to do. I know she's trying to fix everything. I know she wanted to bring the past back. I know she wanted us to be the same again.
I think I'm not ready yet. You see, after what had happened between us, few months after the incident I said sorry. I apologized to her even though it was not my fault. I tried to apologize to save the friendship. I apologize to save what could be saved. but I was wrong. I asked for forgiveness not once, not twice but four times. Thrice sa office communicator, once in person but she did not accept it. She did not say anything. She remained stoic. And so I give up.
She keeps on inviting me but I dunno what to do. I may not be ready yet to be friends with her because trust was shattered and broken into pieces. Ako madali ako magtiwala sa tao. Para kasi sa akin given na yun sa bawat tao pero pag nasira mahirap ng ibalik. Kagaya nga ng nangyayari sa amin ngayon ni Joy. We're still civil but I don't know if I can still treat her as a friend. I don't know if I can trust her again. I don't know if we can hang out again. I don't know if we can be friends again.
But I'm really scared.