I am the master of my own

A lot of things have been running in my mind while reading FSOQ's post about his struggles in his religion and faith in God. A mixture of emotions was delineated and a vehemence battle to himself was laid out.

We have the same upbringing. We're both raised by our parents with strict complaisance to our doctrines. My mother was a member of a Catholic Community (Beloved of the Lord). Those are the kinds that have regular prayer meeting (Every Tues and Thurs) and an epochal Life in the Spirit seminar that's being offered to non members of the congregation. Since mom used to bring me with her, I've been part of their youth ministry. I cannot truly disclose that my mom was a prayerful person but she wanted us to pray the rosary every single night. I also studied in a catholic school from elementary, high school to college with three religious education as major subjects. Because of this, I can allegorically say that I'm already a doyen of the Holy Bible. A kohen' -- Caiphas indeed.

Time had past and different challenges were given to me. It's been a tribulation of my soul. I started to ask questions. I started complaining and had given up.Sometimes there's just no way to hold back the river. I blame him for everything that's been happening to me. I was leaning towards becoming an atheist during those dark ages. I stopped attending the Eucharist. I stopped believing in him. Dreams are becoming nightmares. Beliefs were tormented. I was about to praise Satan -- as above and so below.

But after so many years, I've matured. I was mold by books, experiences and different ideologies from friends and blogs. Reason has been my faith but not entirely. I realized and learned a lot of things. I understand and understood. Nalaman kong hindi ko naman kailangan i-rationalize lahat para maintindihan ko. Naisip kong I can interpret and perceive the bible in my own ways. Hindi ko naman kailangang sumunod sa sinasabi ng pari. Hindi ko naman kailangan maintindihan lahat bago ko ito tanggapin. it's a future that was written so as to be altered

I wanna share something that I found on twitter.

This is for you FSOQ. I understood your struggle. I felt your burden and this is my way of helping you. I may not hear everything but that doesn't mean I don't understand. Be comfortable with yourself. You don't have to be all things to all people. You don't need to follow the doctrine nor believe what every priest would say. It's how you accept, perceive and interpret it. Remember that religion is communal and faith is personal.

"There is only one way to learn. It's through action. Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey" 

-The Alchemist

He's my Brian Kinney

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long

No matter what  I say or do 

I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

White bubble: Me

Blue bubble: Him

Set me free, leave me be

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand tall, just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

You're keeping me down yeah, yeah, yeah

You're on to me, on to me, and all over...

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long.

Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer got divorced

Joy and I were the closest colleagues in the office. We were like partners in crime. We do everything together. We laugh at everything. She's like my office best friend. Kahit saan ako magpunta (during weekdays and office hours) siya ang kasama ko. Sabi nga ng supervisor ko para daw kaming mag "jowa". Eeew! (Kidding) Minsan pa nga kakadating ko lang ng office (We don't have the same shift. Her shift was one hour earlier than mine.) tapos aayain niya ako for a smoke, go pa din ako kahit bawal yun. Minsan ganun din siya sakin. Kahit kaka-15 mintue break lang niya but when I asked her to go with me lagi naman siyang ready.  That's how we break rules. That's how my life goes inside the office. I'm Huckleberry Finn and She's Tom Sawyer. We were inseparable.

But something happened. She joked about something that was really important and significant to me. Something that I cannot brush aside. Hurtful words were said. Both sides were standing tall. Our egos are gushing up reaching the mountain tops. Our paths have separated. She no longer exists in my society. And I on the other end -- was dead.

Years had passed and we still don't talk to each other. Kahit na magka-trabaho kami we still managed to remain professional but still.... No words were given to each other. Others would say "Its been a year already, can't you guys move on and forget everything?" I remained silent.

These past few months, things have changed. We started talking to each other again but not like the way we used to. Not like the way we were. Plain. Simple. No joking. No teasing just ---- bland.

"Tara! yosi tayo"

Everyday Joy invites me to smoke with her. I know what she's trying to do. I know she's trying to fix everything. I know she wanted to bring the past back. I know she wanted us to be the same again.

But....

I think I'm not ready yet. You see, after what had happened between us, few months after the incident I said sorry. I apologized to her even though it was not my fault. I tried to apologize to save the friendship. I apologize to save what could be saved. but I was wrong. I asked for forgiveness not once, not twice but four times. Thrice sa office communicator, once in person but she did not accept it. She did not say anything. She remained stoic. And so I give up.

She keeps on inviting me but I dunno what to do. I may not be ready yet to be friends with her because trust was shattered and broken into pieces. Ako madali ako magtiwala sa tao. Para kasi sa akin given na yun sa bawat tao pero pag nasira mahirap ng ibalik. Kagaya nga ng nangyayari sa amin ngayon ni Joy. We're still civil but I don't know if I can still treat her as a friend. I don't know if I can trust her again. I don't know if we can hang out again. I don't know if we can be friends again.

Bahala na...

But I'm really scared.

His First Date

"Why do you think he would do that?"

King said while we were lying on R's bed.

The night was calm. I can feel the cold breeze of rainy season. The night was perfect for a cup of coffee, a stick of cigarette and a mellow conversation with friends that would fill the empty walls of the house as the cold outside mists the windows.

I have nothing to do at home so I asked R if I can come over. he said yes and asked me why. "I couldn't get to sleep" I said. And so I went-- and besides I was really bored, like bored to hell at home. kulang na lang mag cross stitch ako ng last supper at mag gantsilyo ng sampung sweater. Kesa naman sa magka bed sore ako at dumikit na yung balat ko sa kama at mamuti ang mga mata kaka browse sa twitter -- I went to a friend's house.

When I was there, I called King to come as well. Oh di ba kung makapag-aya kala mo bahay ko lang.

"Si Max na naman ba yan?" I asked back while staring at the ceiling.

R was already sleeping by the time King started to open up (again) about Max.

"I really don't understand why?" King said

"What is it exactly he did that you don't understand?" I replied

"Everything! Okay, ganito kasi..." King said while he lay on his side looking at me all excited.

"Last week, Max and I went to O bar. So we were inside na tapos ang ano lang niya sakin.. He kept on pushing me to hook up with other guys" He added.

"Tapos?"

"Tapos siyempre naman girl di ba nainis ako. Tapos siya naman nakikipag flirt din sa ibang guys. Bakit ganun? So nagalit ako sa kanya" 

"Bakit ka nagalit?" 

King's not saying anything. Humiga siya ulit at nakatulala sa ceiling.

"What does it mean?" Asked King

"It means na friends na lang talaga kayo. That's what friends do pag nagba-bar sila right? Tayo pag nag O-Obar tayo ganyan tayo di ba?" 

You see, This is King's first experience on dating. As in ever! He doesn't know anything about dating. Okay, bigyan ko nga muna kayo ng glimpse kung ano nangyari sa kanila. King met Max in Obar. They chatted and felt comfortable with each other, Exchanged numbers and said their goodbyes. Several days after, Max asked King for a date. King said yes nonchalantly. They went on a couple of dates or so. Movies, Coffee, Books are their thing.

"I was not even attracted to him. I don't even like him at first.... you know what I'm saying right?" He said. "But things have changed. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden bigla na lang siyang naging...." 

"Naging?"

"Naging cold, aloof, detached, indifferent, stoic, incurious..."

"OA ng adjectives mo ah" I teased him.

"Yun ang hindi ko maintindihan. Bakit bigla na lang siya naging ganun? Kung kelan naman I was falling for him, siya naman tong biglang naging cold" King said with loneliness in his eyes.

"Hhhmmm... May nangyari na ba sa inyo?" I asked King looking at him expectantly.

We were silent for a moment.

"Bakla! Ano?! may nangyari na ba sa inyo?" 

 He nodded

"Ah kaya! Kasi minsan tayong mga bakla or even heterosexuals, sometimes we mistakenly interchanged love from lust and lust from love. Kaya siguro ganun bigla na lang siya naging cold kasi may nangyari na sa inyo. Baka yun lang talaga ang gusto niya." I explained.

"Eh bakit naman after namin mag sex lumalabas labas pa din kami?" King said trying to be defensive and denial. Naku! baklang to! Para tuloy akong may anak na ginagabayan sa paglalakad.

"Honestly.. I don't know. At lahat ng mga sasabihin ko at sinabi sayo are all just theories. I don't know Max personally. I haven't even seen him in person. My only badge is my personal experience and what I think is, everything ended when you had sex with him"

King's still not saying anything

"Okay. look! Maybe the reason why he still go out with  you after sleeping with him is becasue...." I explained to him while examining his facial expression. He looks innocent and  trying to pull his hair out while waiting for my account.

"Maybe becasue... out of respect. Courtsey ganyan." I exclaimed.

"Courtsey?" He asked

"Oo! Courtsey. Kasi you guys have been going out na rin for a while kaya siguro hindi agad siya nawala after niyo magsex. para hindi rin mahalata na yun lang ang gusto niya sayo. He's protecting his image." I replied.

I exactly know what he's going through and I know what it felt like. But I have no choice but to blurt it out to him. I don't want him wasting his time figuring out what could be Max's reasons for being so cold to him, and besides.. I maybe right. Kadalasan ganun naman talaga ang rason kapag bigla na lang nawawala ang communication. Sex lang talaga ang habol.

"I think yang Max na yan masyadong pa-fall-- pahabol. Douchebag"

"Eh bakit nung una okay naman kami? Parang nanliligaw nga eh." He asked

"Kasi nga may gusto siyang makuha sayo. Gusto niya ng sex.. and maybe that's his way of getting it. Instead of being straight forward about his intentions to you-- he chose to be adorable and not a horndog. You get my point?" I proclaim.

At this time, I can really feel King's somber expression

"Alam mo ba kung ano ang number one rule sa dating? You should not expect anything. Just go with the flow. Live by the present. Don't think of the future. Na magiging kayo. Basta enjoy mo lang" I added.



* * *

Right now, King's still confused and trying to find his way out of this hoops and loops of Max's love game. Recently lang we saw Max sa white party sa Obar. He hugged King --then again.. He went gaga over him.

Whatever your going through.. Nandito lang kaming mga friends mo.  Just don't do something silly or stupid.

Maktub?


Yes! it is destined.

Why Maktub?

Maktub is an Arabic word which means "It is written" or "Everything is written". In philosophy and/or spiritual point of view, this means that everything or whatever shall happen is already known to God. In layman's term it's called "Destiny."

I was just a blog reader before I decided to make my own portal of shock absorber. I was just that someone staring in front of my emotionless monitor trying to be part of their lives -- blogger's life. I was moved by Bookie's blog, Touched by Kane's and Canonista, Entertained by Soltero, Mandaya, Corp closet, Echoserita,  -- got mused by Mcvie, Pilyo, Aboutambot, Travis and Green breaker. Kinilig din ako sa kwento nila Mr Hush, Sean's, Juan , Toffer, and Mksurf8 subalit, halos 80% ng mga nabanggit ko ay hindi na nagba-blog. Each of them has their own reasons but one thing is for sure -- I genuinely miss them. Yung generation ng bloggers noon ay ibang iba sa mga baguhan ngayon and if you had read all of their posts from the very start until the end, you'll definitely agree with me. Mas malalim ang pinaghuhugutan, Mas may kwento, mas dense, mas magagaling at mas nakaka entertain. I have nothing against sa mga bagong bloggers. Me, myself is new at this but what I'm trying to say is how they differ from the new ones-- And now, im trying to be like them. I wanna be like them in a way that I want to inspire people thru my stories.

Maktub means everything is written. Everything that had and will happen to me is already written and should be written. Like what I said on my first sentence on second paragraph, this will be my open journal and you, dear readers -- will be my shock absorber. Together we will laugh, cry, smirk, be upset, be anxious... magiging malibog tayo ng sabay. Paghahatian natin ang mga masasaya, malulungkot, nakakatakot, nakakaluha, nakakadismaya at nakakairitang mga kwento. And just like when I was a reader-- hangad ko din ang magbigay ng inspirasyon sa ibang mambabasa na katulad ko.

And besides.. wala na ring PLU na active ngayon. So, I want to ignite the passion again among PLU's. Ako ang magtutuloy ng sinimulan nila Bookie, Soltero at Mandaya. Hopefully matumbasan ko ang galing nila.

So why maktub?

Because I was destined to write and everything should be written.