Ako'y Nagwawala't Nawawala sa Saliw ng Iyong Tugtugin

Ako'y lutang sa karimlan
Saranggolang napatda sa kalangitan
Tinatahak at daloy daloy ng hangin
Putol ang pising karugtong ng mga mithiin

Ako'y isang dikya sa karagatan
Ina-alon alon lamang sa kung saan
Isang nilalang na patay at walang buhay
Pagkakakilanlan sa sarili'y pinagdududahan

Pagkatao'y muling kinuwestyon at hinamon
Mga matang nakapalibot humusga't humatol
Sa isipa'y may digmaan kung ano ang nararapat
Sarili'y binabantulot dapat ba'y makasalungat

Langitngit ng isang kaluluwang sawi
Panaghoy ng puso't isipa'y nagkalungi
Ako'y hapo na sa pakikipagtunggali
Sa saliw ng tugtugi'y balisa't kitil

Ako'y sinisikil ng mga salitang iyong binulaslas
Pakiramdam ko'y buong pagkatao'y pinatibuwal
Kadilima'y pumalibot yumakap sa bantayog
Pati mga bulaklak ay putos ng luksa at panglaw

Bituing noo'y umaapaw sa kislap at ningning
Ngayo'y napapalibutan ng lungkot at dilim
Sa sayaw ay umumid tinutop
Barandila'y pinatibuwal sa iyong pagpapalahaw

500 Days of Pads

....................

Blackness

....................

A moment after

Pads' phone rang

He was on the restroom

It's just me on my workstation beside his and his phone

Saw the screen

I saw the name. The name that always pricks my heart

JONG

The guy who courts him PERSISTENTLY

Pakshet!

.....................

Blackness

......................


Sadness filled the air



I can't feel anything other than the pain



......................

Blackness

......................

Sep Sep Where Are You?

I was back reading my blog all the way from the start. I also read the comments in each post. Then I realized something. I miss someone. I'm missing someone. I miss talking to him, joking around him. I'm not good with this, with speeches so let me go ahead straight to point.

Can you help me find Geosef? I know he deleted his old blog and alam kong meron siyang bago but I can't remember the URL. Would you be kind to send it to me? And if ever you have constant communication with him. Ok, even if it's not constant, would you be nice and tell him I'm looking for him? That I miss him and want to talk to him? I don't know what else to do this is the only way I can think of. My last resort. So please...

Thank you in advance.

From what we cannot hold, the stars are made

Dear Pads,

                I have been talking a lot to myself these past few weeks. About things that I want to tell you. Things that I couldn't tell. Things that I couldn't tell you while looking at your face, staring into your deep eyes-to your soul.I can't tell you the truth. It'll make me feel uncomfortable and anxious. Can't tell you the words. That'll choke me to death. So, I decided to just write you a letter. Here in my blog. You may not read this now but for sure, someday you will. When the right time comes. Yes! when the right time comes.

                I like you. I like you very much. Maybe you know, maybe not. This is not a phase, It'll not pass. I tried to ignore it but its just getting stronger and stronger. Don't worry I'm not expecting you to feel the same. Okay, maybe I'm expecting a little. Just little. But the thing is, I really do like you. I adore you. I admire you. I realized that I like you when you're happy. When you're smiling. When you're laughing. It made me feel happy too.You make me smile when you smile. My heart is filled with joy when you're happy. I don't know where it's coming from or why, I just felt really really REALLY happy. And I've never felt this kind of happiness before. Like genuinely happy. You've been my fourth of July. Through all of youth I was looking for something without knowing what I was looking for until I found you. Who would've thought that making you happy will make me happy too, would make me feel at ease and contented. My world becomes wonderful and beautiful. My problems suddenly became bearable.

                  I figured that I really do like you when you were crying to me coz' you and your fucking boyfriend broke up. My heart was teared apart. It made me feel so upset. I don't like seeing you like that. I hate seeing you sad. It just... It breaks my heart. That's when I realized that I do like you. At that moment, I was really mad at your boyfriend. I mean, your "Ex" boyfriend. He's the biggest douchebag I've ever known. Not because he cheated on you for so many times but because he doesn't value you. How could he do that to you? How could he not thought of losing someone special like you? How could he not see how precious and valuable and priceless you are. How could he? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! And it really upsets me! I couldn't help myself but to think that if ever we were boyfriends, I can never do that to you. i'll never do something to hurt you that much. To hurt you over and over and over again. I couldn't afford to hurt someone important like you. I'm just.... It really pisses me off! I just don't understand why he would to that to you.

                   I know you were puzzled by my gestures. Its like, I'm a book and you are the reader flipping pages searching for answers. I'm sorry. I got scared. Like hell scared. And I get scared a lot. Scared of losing you. I don't want to lose you. I'm scared to lose you.Scared of losing the only thing I have from you-- from us. Our bond, our connection, our chemistry. Did you feel that? Have you noticed that we can talk a lot things in just one sitting? Talk about everything under the sun. About everything and anything without noticing that we've been talking for hours? Have you felt that genuine happiness and warmth and serene feeling? I did. It's fucking addicting. I got addicted to it. It was such a high. You can't blame me. I was in trance. Being with you just talking and laughing is a euphoric state that I don't want to get out from.

And people do crazy things when they're scared. I'm sorry for that. I didn't know that I was going to do the things I did. It wasn't like I had a plan. It wasn't like I was really thinking. Sometimes, you do things and you do them not because you're thinking but because you're feeling. Because you're feeling too much and I couldn't control the awful things I sometimes felt.

                I just really want you to stay. And promise me one more time that nothing will change.

Because from what we cannot hold, the stars are made.

Sincerely,

Babs

Usok, Upos at Damdamin

Sa bawat titik, sa bawat salita, sa bawat pangungusap, sa bawat parirala

Pusong nagdaramdam ay pilit ninanais na magsiwalat.

Mga titik na bumubuo sa aking isipan na makabuo ng isang salita

Na laman ng puso at kaluluwa.

Tangan ay katahimikan at kapayapaan, pag-ibig at pagtitiwala

Isipa'y pilit na inuunawa ang hatid ng hinaharap

Na may nagba-badyang tampalasang karimlan 

Puso'y naitanong ang isipan..

Paano tatawirin ang hilakbot na madilim na lagusan?

Kung takot at kaba ang pumapalibot sa pusong nag iisa.

Ako'y tila isang bulag sa katotohanan,

bingi sa mga tudyuhan.